I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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