the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
