Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I supernannyed him into submission
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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