Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
