he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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