I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
