why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
