mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I wish there were birth control emojis
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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