I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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