"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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