i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
