I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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