I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
