I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
