I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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