Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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