I just cut my nipple shaving
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
