i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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