Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I've blown a few things in my day
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
