I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
