remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
