I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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