i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
