An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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