Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
