Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
