i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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