I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Fuck appropriateness.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
