Please, let me fuck your mom
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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