I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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