What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
