WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
