if you like me you must not know who I am
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
should my penis look like a turkey
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize