I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
