Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
