I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
