it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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