Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
