I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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