I smell stomach acid.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We are all done wearing pants today
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
