hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The best revenge is premature balding
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
