Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
