He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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