this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
