We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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