just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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