you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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