Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
