i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
