That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
