and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
