it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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