2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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