But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
