Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
