The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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