It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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