You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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